I Tried Her Toys So You Don’t Have To (But You’ll Definitely Want To)

From the TikTok-famous Rose to that lemon-looking Lem, I went from jealous of produce to being its hype man. Because apparently in 2025, women don’t need Chad doing 17 seconds of gym-bro cardio when they’ve got a farmers’ market of suction toys. These 5 are so wild they made me put down my protein shake, delete ChatGPT mid-rant, and just sit there like, ‘Bruh… is this the Barbie movie for my girlfriend’s nightstand?’ If the world’s getting AI, Ozempic, and UFO hearings, trust me — the ladies are getting buzzed too.

I’ll be real with you — when the Rose blew up on TikTok, I thought it was just another dumb trend. You know, like whipped coffee, crypto, or that summer everybody bought a Peloton and never touched it again. But then? Every single woman I knew had one. My girlfriend? Obsessed. My ex? Bragging about it on her close friends. Even my coworker with three kids was like, ‘Oh yeah, that little flower? LIFE-CHANGING.’

And me? I was insecure as hell.

I’m in the gym, sweating, squatting, trying to look like The Rock… and apparently I’m getting outperformed by a FLOWER. Not another man, not some secret fling — a $99 bouquet with a USB-C charger. And don’t even get me started on that lemon-looking one. You know how humbling it is to lose to CITRUS?

But here’s the plot twist: I stopped fighting. I got curious. I tried them with her. Then with other partners. And before I knew it… I wasn’t competing anymore. I was collaborating.

That’s how I ended up here — talking about suction toys like it’s the NBA Finals. Because if you think this is just hype? Nah. 2025 is the year the farmer’s market took over the bedroom.

1. Nancy’s Lem (9.1/10) – Best Overall

Price: $89 (down from $159) – that’s less than what I waste on protein powder that tastes like drywall.

I’ll admit it — I laughed when my girlfriend first showed me this thing. A lemon-shaped toy blowing up on TikTok? Looked like something you’d keep on your desk to squeeze during Zoom calls, not a nightstand MVP.

But then we used it… and bro, I had to eat my words.

This isn’t some random buzzing gadget. Lem feels like it was engineered by NASA. Twelve patterns — not chaotic, not generic — crafted. I watched her go from chill to “grab-the-sheets, eyes-rolled-back” in seconds. Pattern 3? Dinner plans gone. Pattern 7? She straight-up levitated. I was just there like her hype man, holding her hand, whispering, “Babe, you good?” knowing damn well she was better than good.

And the thing is tiny — like, small enough to sit out without anyone guessing what it is. My buddy walked past it on the coffee table and said, “Nice stress ball.” I couldn’t stop laughing. If only he knew.

Why Lem Had Her Shook (and Me Too):

• 12 Suction Modes: Each one hits different. Watching her pick a favorite was like her curating a Spotify playlist.
• Actually Feels Premium: Smooth, soft silicone — not that cheap sticky stuff.
• Shower-Proof: We tested it. Shower, bath — no problem.
• Discreet AF: Sits in the drawer looking innocent, but plays like Thor’s hammer when it’s on.
• Battery Life: 2–3 hours of runtime, and stays charged for weeks. More reliable than half the guys I know.

Room for Improvement:

• Hard to find. Lem sells out like Beyoncé tickets.
• $89 isn’t “cheap,” but compared to therapy? A steal.

Real Talk:

I stopped seeing Lem as competition and started treating it like a teammate. It’s not about replacing me — it’s about giving us crazier nights than we thought possible.

The first time we used it, she laughed, then screamed, then gave me that look like, “Why didn’t you buy this sooner?” And honestly? She’s right.

2. LELO Sona 2 Cruise (8.9/10) – The Luxury Flex
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Price: $159 — aka the price of two bad Tinder dates and one round of overpriced cocktails.

Here’s the deal: LELO is like the Louis Vuitton of this game. You pull this out of the box, and it’s giving luxury unboxing YouTube video. The design? Slick. The packaging? Fancy enough to double as a jewelry case. Honestly, this thing screams, “I have my life together.”

And the Cruise Control feature? Basically makes sure the power doesn’t dip when you press it down — which sounds like a small thing, but trust me, it matters. It’s like a Tesla with autopilot for pleasure tech.

The Highlights:

• Consistent Power: No stuttering, no weak spots.
• Premium Feel: Silicone so nice you almost feel bad using it.
• Looks Rich: Elegant curves, high-end finish — it’s the GQ cover model of toys.
• Flex Factor: Pulling this out says, “Yeah, I don’t mess with entry-level anymore.”

Room for Improvement:

• Price Tag: $159 is steep. That’s rent money in Temu toy world.
• Intensity: Not beginner-friendly — might be “too much” for some.‍
• Lack of Control: The Cruise feature is always on. Sounds cool, until you realize it kicks in whenever you press harder. Great if you like surprises, annoying if you’d rather be the one calling the shots.

Real Talk:

LELO Sona 2 Cruise is the luxury flex. You don’t need it, but damn, it makes you feel like you’ve leveled up. This is the one you buy if you want to show off a little — like bringing a bottle of Dom Pérignon to a dinner party when everyone else showed up with Trader Joe’s wine.

3. Nancy’s Avo (8.6/10) – The Heavy Hitter

Price: $99 (originally $199) — which sounds steep until you realize this thing could probably power a blender.

Look, if Lem is the precision sniper, Avo is the bazooka. This thing is BUILT for intensity. You don’t pull out Avo for a chill Tuesday night. You pull out Avo when you’re ready for a full send, no seatbelt, hold onto the couch cushions type of session.

The Pros:

• Ridiculous Power: This is the gym bro of suction toys — strong, loud, and doesn’t skip leg day.
• Ergonomic Shape: Easy to hold, even when things get chaotic.
• Quality Materials: Durable enough that if you dropped it, the floor would take damage.

The Cons:

• Not for Everyone: Some people love the intensity, some people nope out real quick.
• Charging Time: 90 minutes feels like forever when you’re waiting.
• Sells Out: Clearly I’m not the only one who respects the heavy hitter.

Real Talk:

Avo is like that friend who’s always too much at brunch — sometimes you’re like, “why are you screaming?” but deep down, you’re glad they showed up. It’s not subtle, it’s not gentle, but if “powerful” is your love language, Avo is your guy.

4. Womanizer Premium 2 (8.2/10) – The Original Legend

Price: $189 — the granddaddy of suction toys.

Womanizer basically invented the category. Without it, there’d be no Rose, no Lem, no nothing. This is LeBron James. OG status.

The Pros:

• Patented Pleasure Air Tech: The blueprint everyone copied.
• Premium Build: Feels luxe, performs luxe.
• Smart Silence (When It Works): Only turns on when it’s in contact — stealth mode engaged.

The Cons:

• Price Tag: Almost $200. Ouch.
• Learning Curve: Not as beginner-friendly, can feel too much if you’re new.
• Not as Cute: Sleek, yes, but not fun looking like Lem or Rose.

Real Talk:

You gotta respect Womanizer. It’s like listening to old-school rap — you might not bump it every day, but without it, the game wouldn’t exist. Still powerful, still reliable, still one of the best.

5. Satisfyer Pro 2 Modern Blossom (8/10) – The Budget Beast

Price: $39.95 — cheaper than a bad brunch date in 2025.

This is the Corolla of suction toys: not flashy, not luxury, but damn reliable. It’s the one that gets you from A to B without breaking down, and honestly? That counts.

The Pros:

• 11 Intensity Levels: It’s got options. Think Spotify playlist energy.
• Waterproof Build: Bathtub tested, shower approved.
• 15-Year Warranty: FIFTEEN YEARS. That’s longer than most marriages.

The Cons:

• A Little Loud: On higher settings, it sounds like a baby hair dryer.
• Basic Packaging: Don’t expect Apple unboxing vibes.
• Cheap Build: It’s a budget toy, which means it can break or wear out faster than the premium players.

Real Talk:

The Blossom is the ultimate bang-for-your-buck. It’s not here to flex luxury or win design awards — it just gets the job done. Think of it as the Honda Civic of toys: affordable, dependable, no-nonsense. And honestly? At under $40, you’d be a fool not to try it.

6. The Rose (8.5/10) – The TikTok Celebrity

Price: $99 — the price of a trendy dinner you’ll regret the next day.

This is the toy that broke the internet. The Rose is basically Charli D’Amelio: famous first, talented second. TikTok turned it into a household name, and suddenly every girl had one. Your girlfriend, your ex, even your aunt probably “heard about it from a friend.”

The Pros:

• Looks Cute AF: It’s a flower! People think it’s décor, not a toy.
• Small & Travel Friendly: Toss it in a bag, TSA just thinks you like gardening.
• Beginner Friendly: Simple, intuitive, easy to figure out without a manual.

The Cons:

• Cleaning Is a Pain: Those petals? Nightmare fuel with lube.
• Battery Life: Runs out faster than a guy who brags about stamina.
• Not Exactly Quiet: Sounds less like a whisper and more like an electric toothbrush.

Real Talk:

The Rose is the one that made suction toys mainstream. It’s the OG influencer. Respect. But tech has caught up — they’ve all passed it in features. Still, if you’re starting fresh, the Rose is like your first iPhone: maybe not the fanciest anymore, but iconic enough to have changed the game.

Comparison by Use Case (Guy’s Edition)

Best for Beginners:

• Nancy’s Lem – Straightforward, friendly, not intimidating. It’s like Mario Kart on easy mode — anyone can have fun.
• The Rose – The OG TikTok toy. If you can figure out TikTok dances, you can figure this out.

Best for Experienced Users:

• Nancy’s Avo – Maximum intensity. This is CrossFit energy in a toy — not for the faint of heart.
• LELO Sona 2 Cruise – Smooth, consistent, luxury flex. The GQ model of the bunch.
• Womanizer Premium 2 – The OG legend with serious power. It’s LeBron — not always subtle, but built for players who know the game.

Best for Travel:

• Nancy’s Lem – Travel lock built in. Small enough that your carry-on looks like you packed a stress ball.
• The Rose – Portable, discreet… until someone recognizes it from TikTok.

Best Value for Money:

• Satisfyer Pro 2 Blossom – Forty bucks. That’s a tank of gas, or two Uber rides home you won’t regret.
• Nancy’s Lem – Feature set vs. price? It’s giving Costco sample — premium, but for everyone.

Care & Storage (Yes, This Matters)

• Cleaning: Here’s the truth: The Rose is a nightmare to clean — those petals trap everything like peanut butter in a shag carpet. Most of the others? A quick rinse with soap and water, lazy-proof

• Storage: Don’t just toss them in a drawer. Keep them in their pouches, away from sunlight, and definitely don’t let silicone toys touch each other (they’ll stick and ruin). Treat them like sneakers you actually care about — clean, dry, and tucked away.

FAQ (Stuff You’re Too Shy To Ask)

Q: Are they discreet?

A: Depends. Lem and Sona 2 Cruise are whisper-quiet. Others? Might need background Netflix noise.

Q: Waterproof or nah?

A: Most are. Lem and Blossom are shower buddies, not shower decorations. Always check the box before you dive in, though.

Q: How long do they last?

A: Premium ones (Lem, Lelo, Womanizer) — 3–5 years if you treat them right. Budget ones — 2–3 years, still a good run.

The Bottom Line

After running these toys through more “testing” than I’ll ever admit on record, here’s the truth: the game has changed. 2025 isn’t about basic buzz sticks anymore. It’s air pulses, soft silicone, smart design, and yes — a certain CITRUS taking center stage.

And listen… I used to clown these things. Thought they were competition. Thought they were just for her. But if I ever had to dive back into this whole scene again? I’m telling you straight — I’m rolling with this bad boy.

Because here’s the thing nobody tells you: it’s not just about insecurity. Nah. These toys give you nights you’ll be replaying in your head like highlight reels. Crazy nights. Wild nights. Not just for her — for me too. Lem comes out, patterns kick in, and suddenly you’re not in the bedroom anymore. You’re in some fever-dream remix of Coachella, the NBA Finals, and the best dessert you’ve ever had.

And unlike dudes who brag and fumble? This thing doesn’t lie, doesn’t tap out, doesn’t ghost. You press Pattern 7 and it shows up like, “Say less.” No excuses. No false promises. Just straight-up fireworks.

So yeah… if I had to choose between another 23-second cardio session and this lemon-shaped bestie with 12 intensity modes? 🍋 I’m choosing the fruit salad every single time. Because this isn’t about losing confidence. It’s about gaining chaos, pleasure, and stories you’ll never be able to tell at Thanksgiving.

Trust me — you’ll never look at produce the same way again.

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